The Experience Miracles Podcast

Q&A | When Family Doesn’t Understand Your Child’s Struggles or Care Choices (What to Do)

Mar 20, 2026

When Grandparents Don’t Get It: How to Help Loved Ones Understand Your Child’s Nervous System

Episode 192, Experience Miracles Podcast | Host: Dr. Tony Ebel, DC, CACCP, Pediatric Chiropractor & Founder of PX Docs | Published: March 20, 2026

Key Takeaways

  • Grandparents aren’t dismissive because they don’t love your child, they’re dismissive because they grew up in an era of medical dominance where every problem had a pharmaceutical answer. Understanding this gap is the first step to changing the conversation.
  • You cannot discipline a dysregulated nervous system. Children with autism, ADHD, and sensory processing challenges are locked in Sympathetic Dominance, a chronic fight-or-flight state that makes behavioral correction ineffective until the underlying neurological dysfunction is addressed first.
  • Children with sensory challenges experience “nociception”, internal noise and tension from clothing, lighting, food, and movement that others can’t feel. Their nervous systems process the world at a higher volume than neurotypical children, which is why meltdowns happen faster and more intensely.
  • Autism is not genetic, it’s multifactorial and environmentally driven through The Perfect Storm of prenatal stress, birth trauma, and early toxin exposure. This is why previous generations didn’t see it at today’s scale; the environmental load has worsened significantly over the last two generations.
  • Three practical strategies for getting loved ones on board: reframe the conversation from symptoms to nervous system dysregulation, give them a meaningful role (calm and steady presence), and share specific, observable wins, better sleep, less sensory reactivity, faster recovery from meltdowns, which Dr. Tony calls neurological soft signs of healing.

Why Can’t Grandparents Understand My Child’s Autism or ADHD?

Grandparents and older family members who push back on your child’s diagnosis or treatment choices aren’t bad people, they grew up in a world that looked completely different. In the 1940s, 50s, and 60s, conventional medicine and pharmaceutical intervention were treated as the answer to almost every health problem. Antibiotics were new and life-saving. Medical marketing dominated television. If something was wrong, you got a diagnosis and a medication. That worldview is deeply wired into that generation.

At the same time, childhood autism, ADHD, sensory challenges, and PANDAS/PANS simply weren’t visible at current scale. This wasn’t because they went undiagnosed, it was because the environmental conditions driving The Perfect Storm of nervous system dysregulation weren’t as prevalent. Prenatal stress, birth interventions, early toxin exposure, and processed food weren’t stacked on top of each other the way they are today. So when grandparents say “we didn’t have this when you were little,” they’re accidentally right, and accidentally wrong about why.

The gap parents feel isn’t just about chiropractic or natural health. It’s a generational divide in how the world explains why children struggle and how healing actually happens. Bridging that gap starts with understanding it from the inside, and it doesn’t require you to become a neuroscience professor for every person in your extended family.

Why Grandparents Grew Up Trusting Medicine Over Root Cause [00:01:45 – 04:45]

Dr. Tony Ebel, DC, CACCP: When you look at public health history, what actually drove the massive improvements in human health across the 20th century, it was sanitation, refrigeration, and hygiene. Those were the game-changers. But who received credit for improved health outcomes? Medicine did. Antibiotics were invented around the same era, and the association stuck.

Your grandparents didn’t grow up with root-cause thinking. They grew up with “better health through chemistry.” The nightly news, still the primary information source for many older adults, is sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. “Go talk to your doctor” has been the consistent message of their entire adult lives.

None of this makes them wrong as people. It makes them products of a particular time, a particular media environment, and a particular set of experiences. And that’s actually important to hold onto when those conversations get frustrating, because empathy for how they arrived at their worldview is usually more productive than arguing with the worldview itself.

What the Peanut Gallery Gets Wrong About Meltdowns and Behavior [00:04:45 – 09:00]

Dr. Tony Ebel: One of the hardest parts of raising a child with autism or anything in that neighborhood isn’t just the daily challenges your child is navigating. It’s the peanut gallery. It’s everyone around you with an opinion. “He just needs discipline.” “You’re overthinking it.” “Why don’t you get him diagnosed and get a medication?” “We didn’t have this when you were little.”

None of this means they don’t love your child to the moon and back. It just means they don’t understand the nervous system. They don’t understand the root causes and underlying dysfunction triggering the big emotions, the meltdowns, the behavior, and the lack of social and emotional connection. They don’t understand it from a neurophysiological perspective.

“It just means this: they don’t understand the nervous system. They don’t understand the root causes and underlying dysfunction that trigger the big emotions, meltdowns, and behavior. They just don’t understand it from a neurophysiological perspective.”

That said, your job isn’t to start your own podcast. You don’t need a slide deck. You can’t reasonably expect grandpa to download Spotify on his flip phone and listen to every episode of this show. But depending on how tech-savvy your circle is: if they’ll read articles, send them. If they’ll watch YouTube, share it. If they’ll come to an event, bring them to the next Perfect Storm Workshop at your local PX Docs office. About 20–25% of people attending those workshops are grandparents and other caregivers, and watching a third party explain the same things you’ve been saying has a way of landing very differently.

Reframing the Conversation: From Symptoms to the Nervous System [00:09:00 – 10:00]

Dr. Tony Ebel: When you talk to grandparents and loved ones about your child’s challenges, try to do what we do with parents: take the conversation off the symptom. Off the condition. Off the meltdowns. If we can get them to stop seeing the effects, and instead look at the nervous system, the entire conversation changes.

Help them understand: right now, your child is locked into Sympathetic Dominance. They’re stuck in a chronic fight-or-flight state because of the Perfect Storm stressors they went through. That means they have a smaller bucket. Their fuse blows faster. Their nervous system is so wound up with what’s called sensory overload that they respond to the world at a much higher intensity than others around them.

That reframe, from “behavior problem” to “neurological state”, is what makes the rest of the conversation possible.

The Noisy Car Analogy Every Grandpa Will Understand [00:10:00 – 14:00]

Dr. Tony Ebel: Here’s an analogy that works especially well with dads and grandpas, because every single one of them has lived it. You’re driving down the road. Kids are being noisy. They’re arguing. The radio is on. And you’re a dad, so you’re absolutely not using GPS, because that is a sign of weakness that dads simply shall not do. Same commandment says you back into your parking space. These rules exist. Only dads and grandfathers know where they’re written.

Anyway, you’re in that car. Noisy. Chaotic. You’re trying to concentrate. And the noise is so overloading your sensory system that you say that funny phrase: “You guys have to be quiet, I can’t hear where I’m going!” That’s an auditory sense affecting a visual task. All the different senses combine on the brain at the same time.

Now think about what’s happening in a child with autism, sensory ADHD, anxiety, or PANDAS. Their physical body, through the nerves and muscles of the neurospinal system, and on the inside with gut inflammation, is constantly dealing with noise on the inside that others don’t hear, or tension on the inside that others don’t feel.

“They are constantly dealing with noise on the inside that others don’t hear, or tension on the inside that others don’t feel.”

That nociception, that sensory overload, is hitting them all day, every day. It can come from their shirt. From certain foods. From fluorescent light bulbs. From the people around them. From the car moving if they have vestibular challenges. It’s coming at them from multiple directions simultaneously, at a volume others simply don’t experience.

That’s why grandpa at a noisy gymnasium hangs off in the fringes. He can’t handle the noise either. He can’t sit still. Sound familiar? The difference is that for your child with Sympathetic Dominance, that’s not just a gym on Saturday, it’s Tuesday morning at breakfast.

Why You Can’t Discipline a Dysregulated Nervous System [00:17:00 – 22:45]

Dr. Tony Ebel: Here’s something grandparents and everyone else in your circle needs to understand: you simply cannot discipline a dysregulated, sympathetic-dominant, sensory-overloaded nervous system that is constantly disconnected and dealing with chaos.

“You simply cannot discipline a dysregulated, sympathetic-dominant, sensory-overloaded nervous system that is constantly disconnected and dealing with chaos.”

It’s hard to calm the chaos when the connection between the brain, body, and environment isn’t working properly. What you say won’t sink in. What you do won’t get through. We have to repair and restore the nervous system’s dysregulation and disconnection before behavioral modification and discipline can be effective.

That doesn’t mean discipline is out the window, it means the sequence matters. The old model was: behavior problem, apply discipline, expect correction. The neurologically focused model is: identify the dysregulation, address it at the root, restore regulation, then support structure and discipline within a regulated nervous system. Discipline inside a regulated nervous system works. Discipline inside a dysregulated one doesn’t.

This is also a good place to remind grandparents: autism isn’t genetic. It’s multifactorial and driven by The Perfect Storm of environmental factors, prenatal stress, birth trauma, and early toxin exposure. That’s why their friends’ kids didn’t have this. The environmental load is dramatically different now than it was a generation ago. They aren’t diagnosing more, the conditions are genuinely more prevalent.

Three Practical Strategies for Getting Loved Ones on Board [00:22:45 – 29:30]

Dr. Tony Ebel: Here’s where I want to get practical with you. This is the part where I share what I actually do in my own life, because I grew up on a corn and hog farm in northwest Iowa. Old school. Casey’s breakfast pizza, Mountain Dew. No chiropractic. No nervous system conversations. When I go back home now, as a pediatric chiropractor who eats clean, doesn’t vaccinate, and avoids chemicals in every household product, that’s a wide gap between how I grew up and how we live now.

So I had to figure this out too.

Strategy 1: Choose your battles. Not every opinion needs correcting. Not every person is going to get on board. Some will, some won’t. Decide which conversations are worth the energy, and which ones are going to distress your own nervous system without changing anything. For the ones who are willing to learn, engage fully. For the ones who aren’t, set a loving boundary and release them from the responsibility.

“Live a life that demands an explanation. People are much more willing to listen to advice they asked for versus the type they didn’t.”

If you live confidently in your choices, if your child’s healing is visible in your calmness, your steadiness, your forward movement through hard days, people will start asking you how. And people who ask for advice are infinitely more receptive to it than people who receive it unsolicited.

Strategy 2: Give them a role. If they’re not fully on board with the neuroscience, that doesn’t mean they can’t contribute meaningfully. What if grandpa and grandma’s job is simply to be calm? To be the steady, quiet, regulation-supporting presence? They don’t have to understand Sympathetic Dominance to know not to escalate an already-escalated situation. Shift them from critics or confused bystanders to contributors, even if their contribution is showing up regulated.

Strategy 3: Set clear, loving boundaries. Communicate your approach. Explain it once, maybe twice. You do not need a 73-slide PowerPoint. If they continue to push back, that’s not a conversation failure on your part. It’s information. Know your inner circle, those who are 100% aligned and supportive, and protect that circle. Those are the people your child needs close.

Why Grandparents Sometimes Spot the Healing Before Parents Do [00:29:30 – 35:00]

Dr. Tony Ebel: Here’s something most people don’t expect: sometimes grandparents and people outside your immediate household actually see the healing first. Here’s why.

When a child is receiving Neurologically-Focused Chiropractic Care and healing from the inside out, it’s gradual. It doesn’t happen overnight. It often goes up, then sideways, then backward, then forward.

“It often goes up, then sideways, then backward, then forward.”

Parents who are with their child 24/7, 365, often miss the small changes because they’re too close to see them. It’s like watching grass grow. But grandparents who see the child once a month? They notice.

That’s actually why we encourage families to sometimes not announce that they’ve started care. Don’t tell the teachers, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles yet. Let them see the difference first, and let them come to you.

One of our speech therapist moms, Carly, tells this story perfectly. After her son, a full Perfect Storm kiddo with sympathetic dominance driving raging-bull meltdowns at every social event, had been getting adjusted for a few months, she brought him to a birthday party. The host mom saw him playing calmly, connecting with others, no meltdowns. She came over and asked: “Did you get him medicated?”

The change was so profound that the only explanation this woman could imagine was medication. It wasn’t. It was Neurologically-Focused Chiropractic Care. And that question opened a door. “What are you doing differently?” That’s the question you want. That’s what living your values out loud looks like.

These early signs of healing, better sleep, better digestion, trying new foods, less sensory reactivity, faster recovery from meltdowns, more eye contact, are what we call neurological soft signs. They’re hard to spot for practitioners. Hard for parents. But when someone who only sees your child monthly notices them? That’s your moment. Share the win.

Your job isn’t to regulate and heal every other person’s perspective on your journey. Your main job is to take the best possible care of your child.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why don’t grandparents understand my child’s autism or sensory challenges?

Grandparents from older generations grew up in an era when conventional medicine dominated public health messaging and childhood conditions like autism and ADHD were simply not visible at today’s scale. They don’t doubt your child, they lack the framework. They’ve never been taught that nervous system dysregulation and The Perfect Storm of prenatal stress, birth trauma, and toxin exposure drives these conditions. That’s a knowledge gap, not a love gap.

Can I discipline a child with autism or ADHD out of their meltdowns?

No, and this is one of the most important distinctions Dr. Tony Ebel makes. A child in Sympathetic Dominance, stuck in a chronic fight-or-flight state, cannot absorb behavioral correction or discipline effectively. The neurological disconnection between brain and body means what you say and do simply doesn’t get through. Nervous system regulation has to come first. Once the dysregulation is addressed through Neurologically-Focused Chiropractic Care, behavioral support becomes far more effective.

What’s the best analogy to explain sensory overload to a grandparent?

Dr. Tony Ebel recommends the noisy car analogy. When a dad is driving with noisy kids, he eventually says “Be quiet, I can’t hear where I’m going!” That’s auditory overload affecting a completely separate sense. Children with autism, sensory ADHD, or PANDAS experience that kind of internal noise, what’s called nociception, from clothing, food, light, sound, and movement, all day, every day. Their sensory threshold isn’t just lower; it’s neurologically wired to be overwhelmed faster and more intensely.

How can I get grandparents involved without overwhelming them with neuroscience?

Give them a role they can succeed in. You don’t need grandpa and grandma to understand Sympathetic Dominance, you need them to stay calm when a situation escalates. Their job can simply be to be the steady, quiet, regulated presence. That contribution is real and valuable. Share articles, podcast episodes, or YouTube videos that match how they learn best. And if there’s a Perfect Storm Workshop near you, bring them. Hearing it from a third party often lands differently than hearing it from you.

What are neurological soft signs and why do they matter?

Neurological soft signs are the early, subtle indicators of healing that happen before big behavioral improvements become obvious. Better sleep, trying new foods, improved digestion, faster recovery from meltdowns, more eye contact, easier redirection, these are signs the autonomic nervous system is beginning to regulate. They’re hard for parents to notice because healing is gradual. Grandparents and caregivers who see the child less frequently often spot these changes first, which is why Dr. Tony recommends sometimes waiting to announce care so loved ones can observe the difference themselves.

How do I find a PX Docs practitioner near me?

You can search the full PX Docs network of Neurologically-Focused Chiropractors at the directory below. Offices are located across the US and internationally. Find a PX Docs Office Near You, PX Docs Directory

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